its been done, a line from a favorite song, introduced to me by a special person. Angela McCluskey in Telepopmusik. That's beside the point. I hate writing, I loathe people reading what I write even more. However, I felt compelled to document the things God was doing in my life. That was a couple weeks ago, now, Ive found the moment has passed, but since its a quiet Saturday evening and I am procrastinating finishing my research paper before the holiday I figured writing this would be less painful.
For the past year, I have been struggling with a lot of repetitive sin. Someone once told me that everyone has a certain sin that they find most difficult to overcome. It wasn't hard to figure out what mine is. As a Christian, the hardest thing I face is listening to God, understanding that what he wants for me is best, especially when it comes to relationships. I am the biggest dreamer when it comes to romance. I read almost all the Nicholas Sparks novels, saw Sweet Home Alabama so much I can recite nearly every line, and imagined the dreamy man in the movies as the perfect man. So the story goes.
Giving my relationships to God was one thing I had no intention of doing. However, when God means business, he means business and freshman year of college I found myself in a position so uncomfortable, so unknown to me. It is never easy to get over your first love, and I swear for me it was harder since I dreamt of love so much prior to that. As you love, you learn. You learn about yourself more than you can believe you would. Anyways, enough rambling, because of my stubborness, I did not give up that relationship that easily.
A few months ago in my sophmore year, I faced the same burden, to end the relationship. I joined a Christian organization that had strengthened my relationship with the Lord so much. I learned so many new things by hearing different women's testimonies. It has been inspiring for me. And there I was in a situation to follow God or choose my own way again. I knew I was not making the right choice with my relationships. I got caught in different sins that made me feel trapped and really took a toll on my happiness. I wanted to get over it, but sin is so inviting and seems so right in the moment. From my freshman year, I had made changes, but those changes weren't enough. I tried to rationalize sin and make compromises like, "well, I won't do this, but I will do this," even though both were wrong. Being the stronger Christian I was, I knew my feelings and thoughts would just get worse if I didn't face this dead on.
About the same time, my organization had their retreat for 2 days. A woman came to speak to us about being in a position of "comfort" and being in uncomfortable situations. Wow. Like when I first accepted Christ as my Savior, I felt like God was speaking directly in my heart. That weekend was so powerful. I realized that I was in positions that were too comfortable. I was not growing with God. He was not my number one, my relationship was. Any time of pain or sorrow, I would call up my boyfriend or guy friend in a heartbeat, not God. For the past 2 and 1/2 years I became so comfortable with him and being with him. I realized God was calling me to "be uncomfortable." Only then could I grow with him. Only then could I start making him my number 1. Life is uncomfortable, but when you are not feeling secure, God opens a door to invite you into his arms.
Upon getting back to my apartment, I thought about how much pain I would cause someone and how much discomfort I would face in upcoming months. I had to do it. I knew God did not want me to worry and that this was all up to him. He would take care of my and my ex. As for now, I needed to grow with him and only him.
Surrendering things you love to God is the hardest thing to do. I know it, it took me over a year to do it. I am still seeing out what God's plan with everything is, but taking life slow is where I am rightfully at. God has been teaching me strength and what happens when you use courage to do his plan. Holding on to relationships is my downfall. Lately God has, thankfully, been putting it on my heart to give them to him. I know I could not do it without him breaking down my barriers I have put up.
I know I am not the most interesting person to read about, so if you have read this thanks and I hope it gives any sort of insight to you.
1 comment:
Thanks for sharing this Kaley...you are not alone. As I was reading this I was thinking how close this sounds to my story...I was in a very similar situation to you with my "fist love" and just couldn't let go for the longest time. But when I finally woke up and realized that God had planned more for my life than to just pout about it and dwell on the past, I found a whole new freedom in the life that God has given me. Relationships are no longer a burden for me, but rather a outlet that I can use to glorify God.
That being said, it isn't easy to overcome an old habit...this i've found out firsthand. I've discovered that the most effective way to deal with this is to be in the bible and MEMORIZING the bible. I always thought that I didn't need to memorize scripture, but now that I have started doing it on a weekly basis with my dad, I have seen how powerful a tool God has given to us in his word. Start with verses that you are familar with and then move to more difficult ones.
As for struggling with sin...good grief you have no idea. Kaley..."for ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." that means everyone...Kaley...Garrett...everyone...BUT "are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."
We don't have to deal with our sin anymore...Christ already did this 2000 years ago with his own blood. This doesn't mean we don't have to make an effort to prevent sin...it just means that if we are in tune with Christ and his will, we don't have to be discouraged.
It has been a pleasure knowing you for the past year and a half, and you should know that I am always open to talking about stuff if you need too...but like you said...go to God first and foremost. BTW...if it makes you feel better, I really have seen a big maturity in you since I first met you by the ping pong tables freshman year :) God loves you, don't ever get discouraged!!
-Garrett
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